"The Twelve Days of Christmas" - What would your neighbours say?

We all know the song, and by now, we’ve probably heard it enough to sing along without thinking too much about it: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... And then the list starts piling up. Swans, geese, a partridge, and, wait—twelve drummers drumming? But have you ever wondered what would happen if someone actually went out and bought every single gift mentioned in "The Twelve Days of Christmas"? Let’s take a light-hearted look at what it might cost, how it would go down, and just how many birds one person really needs in their life.

Day 1 – A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Okay, so we start off simple enough. A partridge in a pear tree. The pear tree, simple enough - those are fairly common. But a partridge? You’re looking at a bird that isn’t your typical backyard variety. A quick online search shows you can pick up a live partridge for around £7, but this is just a chick so it wouldn't be best pleased about being kept in a tree. And the pear tree? That’ll probably cost around £30 for a decent sized one, but they might not fair very well in our great British climate and when you think of your new chick sitting on a sparse branch? Well, that's sad. Anyway, a grand total for day one: £37 

Day 2 – Two Turtle Doves

Not so easy. Turtle doves are adorable but in a sad decline in the UK.  The ban on their sale remains so if you got two then your "true love" is dealing with the black market so watch yourself!  If they could get two, then they'd expect to pay around £110 for these lovely creatures. Total so far: £147

Day 3 – Three French Hens

Ah, the hens. But these aren’t just any hens. They’re French hens. I’m guessing the song's writer had high standards! French hens can run you about £35 each, so three of them? You’re looking at around £105. Total up to this point: £252.

Day 4 – Four Calling Birds

What's with all the birds??  Your True Love is obsessed!  These are not your average birds, either—they’re apparently "calling" birds, probably calling a help line to get out of this crazy situation! Assuming you’re not trying to get an actual "calling bird," just a regular bird will do, and they usually run about £15 each. Four calling birds:£60. Let’s keep the total range at £312.

Day 5 – Five Golden Rings

Finally!!  Something worth having!  We’re talking actual gold rings here. Depending on quality and weight, five gold rings could cost anywhere from £150 to over £2,000. So, for simplicity’s sake, let’s estimate an average of £1,000 for these shiny baubles. Total: £1312.

Day 6 – Six Geese a-Laying

What!! More birds? Geese aren’t exactly cheap, especially if they’re laying eggs. A pair of red breasted geese might set you back £550. Times x 3 = Six geese £1650. So now we’re at £2962.

Day 7 – Seven Swans a-Swimming

Now it's getting ridiculous!  Have they considered the mess, the food bills and the noise??  This is pure luxury but all unmarked mute swans are owned by the crown, so you could well end up in the Tower!  Swans aren’t cheap (or cheep) - a pair of whooper swans sells for £2400 and black swans are £750 each.  Seven swans swimming? That’s £7950. Imagine your neighbours faces! Total: £10,912.

Day 8 – Eight Maids a-Milking

If you're thinking of hiring eight maids for some old-school milking (assuming you already have access to cows or goats), that's 8 x 8 hours wages at minimum wage, at todays rate of £11.44, so around £732, plus holiday pay and employers contributions. Total: £11644.

Day 9 – Nine Ladies Dancing

Okay, now we’re getting a bit to the fun bit. Do you hire dancers for a full day? A private show? Are we talking Oti Mabuse here? Assuming the price is around £100 per dancer (for a nice performance), nine ladies dancing would cost you about £900. Total: £12544.

Day 10 – Ten Lords a-Leaping

Lords a-leaping sound a bit pricey, and highly unlikely!  Don't most of them just nod off in chambers and are quite old?  Let's assume they still have a spring in their step and enjoy doing some fancy footwork. For a group of professional performers, you might pay around £500 per lord (really, who wouldn’t?). That brings your total to £5000. Total: £17544.

Day 11 – Eleven Pipers Piping

If we’re talking about musicians, hiring a group of eleven pipers would likely run about £200 per piper for a performance, so you’re looking at £2,200 for this day. Total: £19744.

Day 12 – Twelve Drummers Drumming

So you've got a garden packed with squawking, honking, tweeting and cooing.  You've got 8 cows or goats for your maids a milking, lords bounding about, a troupe of dancers and a gang of pipers (is it a gang, or a pipette) now in come the piece de resistance...12 drummers!  You’ll need twelve professional drummers to make this a true performance, and at about £300 per drummer for a gig, you’re looking at £3,600. Total: £23344.

The Total Price

If you managed to buy everything mentioned in "The Twelve Days of Christmas," you’d be spending around £23500! And let’s not even think about the logistics of keeping all those animals and performers around for 12 days, right?  You've basically been gifted absolute mayhem!

In the end, if your true love really did give you all these gifts, it would definitely be memorable, but maybe just a lush Ooh-Box gift would do the trick, or indeed £23k worth? 

Here's to hoping you get what you wish for xxx